Hi,

I don't know how or why you came upon my journal (as was mentioned in one reader's comment previously)...and not to even say that my journal is in the least popular with readers.. Rather the random one or two who read then for some reason feel compelled to comment: hey, no offense, none at all..but in all shortness, your comments are unwanted and unappreciated. I do not care one bit how you found this journal, why you read it, what you think, your thoughts, or what you think is advice. I write my blogs for my own sake of babbling and not for you. And thus, if you do read (then by all means...), don't comment please. To the point -- I couldn't give a shit what you have to say or think. I don't want to hear your personal experiences or what you think is words of empathy/sympathy. Whether you think this is funny, lame, sad, weird, confusing, something condenscending, somewhat offending, a tad retarded, a bit pathetic, so off, downright out of order, or you don't even give a flying fuck, that's really all fine and dandy and I don't care. Again, don't comment in my journal with your bullshit. Cos I'm not particularly fond of receiving an email notification from livejournal to notify me that someone has posted babbling to my babbling. No offense and no thanks! Bye!


(PS/ If you read jrock fanfic faggotry then you're welcome to comment in my old unfinished fanfic entries. Nothing else though.)

Adios.

(PPS/ in case we come ascross a tard or somebody who tries to be smart, and cos I don't bother replying to anyone's comments when that rare rare occassion that someone does comment occurs... "Bitch, can you read?!" Or perhaps, "do you comprehend what you read?!" is more fitting.)

I don't want to drown myself in memories, sadness, longing, or hatred.

My heart feels past shredded...it's not worth it to continue a sad mellowing on the past or whatever else.. cos it can't be helped what already was.

Of course, my thoughts will occassionally return to those things..just wondering or reminiscing. I can never lie that I miss us... however pathetic or weak that may seem.

I need not pity or pretentious feelings in the disguse of two-word "advice". I understand what is.. I do not know the answer to everything of course (cos then I wouldn't feel so muddled in the head and heart), I will not pretend. I have no energy left for that.

I've forgotten to smile just as you've forgotten me.

It seems that ever since my move at the end of last month and we officially separated, I've been falling. Everyday is lost, and I am ever so lost. I can tell I'm depressed even if I try not to be. Unfortunately it's not just as easy as saying so. I try to at least distract myself mostly, but it seems inevitable that my thoughts return to him, us, or actually our past us. I also know that it's absolutely pointless and worth nothing to even consider or think such things...but I cannot help it. I cannot be as cold and unfeeling as I like. I am unable to forget. I wish for stupid things of the past. I act a fool and wonder of impossible things...and I cannot stop myself. I want to change. I especially want to forget since I know I am forgotten.


I am dying.

Once again, blogging only to bitch and whine about my life currently. hah

I am very sick of my job.
I used to think that I'd hold onto it anyway..but not anymore.. Once I find a new job and am surely settled in it, I will quit my store ASAP!

I don't know why I still let myself be fooled and get so angry and frustrated over N.
I know how pretty much everything is, but I have tried fooling myself again lately.
I know there is nothing worth chasing after or waiting for. I laugh at myself everytime I realise how angry/jealous/frustrated I'm feeling over N. Then after that I become angry at myself for having felt anything for him, and think, "Ugh, I'm such a pitiful fool. But not really, cos no one would really pity my predicament (if you can call it one) if they really understood." 
I am eternally alone it seems...
I know it.
I have no one, nothing, no money, no name.
I am invisible.
But I haven't followed the steps of many others and done something silly like committing suicide or such.. cos I hate such things.
But! I have hurt myself. I've hurt myself by not making myself change, by not saving myself from lies, by letting myself pretend even longer that there is something Here.. when there isn't.
Can I change?
I want to.

Things like my love, feelings, thoughts, and doings mean nothing to him. Why am I wasting away then?
Why do I know when it's all in vain and attempt, then fail, to change continuosly pursue lost dreams?
I'm a backwards pessimistic romantic.

Yeah, I'll love him forever.
But it's only filled by something bitter and painful that it's a useless and worthless love.

He knows it. I know it.
I hate all this.

I'm going to try changing again. And leaving all this behind. I'm going to run away for sure this time.
I cannot take any of this anymore. I'm going to end up a wicked, sad, depressed, stressed and hysterical fool if I continue on.



And I want to move. I hate where I live. Convenient to nothing except ghetto neigborhoods, gangsters, mexican stuff, mexican people, and the taco truck. Evil neighbors who are racist but complain about others being prejudiced and racist to them and blast all their music and everything all day and all night. And it's hot here. And so dirty.

I'm breaking. I'm going crazy. Soon I'll become so disgusting that I'll just rot in pit cos I'll never have the courage to raise a pistol to my head (or anything similar LOL). But I can run away. I have ran from so many things before.. And cut off so many people and so many things. That's why I'm so lonely. I have a wall a mile high all around me and nothing can get in... Except N did. But I'll banish him permanently soon.


Ah... ugh... I'm sorry to the world for posting such an ugly blog.

I have a new mindset.

I'll do my dream.
Travel.
Cosmetology/Hair.
Fashion.
Sing.
Dance.
Enjoy things.
Take pictures.
Write letters.
Fly.
Run.
Have `.
Kiss.
Embrace.
Shop.
Take walks.
Play.
Draw.
Create.
Destroy.

;;;;;;;

I'll never love again though. It's something that I always was so skeptical of, and when finally experienced, it was too painful and sad.. and just pathetic. I don't ever want to fall so low again. Ever.






I cry. I cry so much for you. I have never cried so much. Ever. I hate how I feel. I hate everything. I hate this!!! Please stop me. Please.

I guess in the end, I'm still wicked and cruel. I'll want to seek out some sort of petty revenge. I'll want to hurt you. I want to shatter and destroy fucking everything because, not that I don't believe in trying to preserve happy/good memories, but I want to rebuild my wall and cover myself in more protective lies and feelings by torturing you, hating you, making you want to hate me more and more. And as a result, we lose those happy/good memories, cos all we'll be able to think of or recollect is how much we hate each other. I only know how to hurt and destroy. I don't know how to be truly nice. That's why when you start calling me a martyr I laugh, because I know that deep down inside I'm more wicked than you could ever be, than you can ever imagine. I'll hurt you more than you can possibly hurt me, even if I'm hurting myself in the process. I'm fucked up. I'll do things to destroy your world.

Because I don't want to remember anything happy about you or us.. because when I do it makes me sad.

But no matter what, in the very end I remember everything. Good or Bad. I do.

So what am I doing?

What is this endless, unquenchable desire for truth that I have?!

It's crazy! Why am I so stuck on the truth?

I want the truth! the truth!
I hate lines like, 'Ooh, but the truth might hurt you.'
OMG. p-r-z.
I take in the truth like water. Who cares if I get hurt; it's not your concern, right?! I handle the truth better than you handle your life.

I always want the truth. I'm always looking for answers. I can't stop.


(-big sigh- I write all these blogs to rant about people who don't read it.. T0T it's okay, they would cry. lol so it makes me happy when someone actually does~ even though it's not for them..but I love comments/advice <3)

Anyway,
I hate liars. I can't stand them. I hate phony people, but sadly, I suffer them everyday. :(
Good thing, though, they don't run my life.

Ever since I was little, and yes I can remember all this quite clearly, I have been surrounded by so many, so many liars, fakes, and pretentious idiots. SO. FREAKIN. MANY. Even in like 1st grade!
Every grade! Every year! Everywhere! Everyone!

And as a result, I have learned to distrust, or more like not trust till given reason to, everyone that I meet/encounter. I have to now naturally assume that everything and every contact/feeling that I come to interact with is FALSE. I was a very naturally accepting and believing person, always trusting anyone and everyone, thinking that everyone is GOOD. But noooooo.. oh noooo ..how many countless times I've been deceived left and right, left and right (and up and down, and diagonally, and backwards and forwards.. lol) Anyway...

So I guess from all these experiences I've learned to become, what I like to call, cautious.. But I guess I can only come off to other people as cold, introverted, sarcastic, rude, unfriendly, spiteful, angry, and the list goes on, baby!

And I suppose this means I only have empty relationships now. Full of "what if's" and distrust, misunderstandings and assumptions, lies and hidden words, lost.

Why the fuck am I wasting my time????!!!

Honestly, why am I living? (I know many will quickly say the word "emo" but allow to tell you that you're wrong. I'm far from that. I despise emo people and those who dwell in so-called "sadness" and dark corners. I'm just very serious. I say this question with full curiosity and inquisitiveness as to why the fuck am I living?)

I started realising this about 5~6 years ago.. and still cannot really think up an answer. I mean yea, I have "goals" and "dreams"...but what the fuck are they for? Why do we have them? Because we're told to? Yeah,.. so the excuse is to say, "I'm living for my dreams." "I wanna be a star." All nice and all.. But I think that kind of selfish sort of living is meaningless.. I mean, I can't see any actual point in doing that.

Which is whyyyyyy!!!!!!
I want someone!
To live for!
Living just for myself...is too boring! Maybe that's how this whole new-age individualistic way of thinking goes....but sorry I cannot join you guys...I cannot agree! I'm afraid I love company most and still have those silly old romantic ideas in my head of finding someone to love and care for.
I have nothing. Right now I have nothing except my dreams. My dream is to become happy with someone.. Of course I have other ideas like to become filthy rich, to become a star, to own my very own line one day and be celebrated, to travel the world...but somehow, before all that...I want someone. I guess I thought I found that, and was crazy enough to even think to settle down and start thinking I could do everything else more freely now..but I was wrong. I guess it's okay to just pursue with other things till I can finally find that person..but how sad that life would be.

I have no one.

She said, "I'll love you. I love you. I love you, forever and a day."

He said, "You're my everything. I love you. I love you absolutely. You're my everything."

She said, "I love you, I love you. I give you my everything."

He said, "I hate you, I hate you. I long for something new."

She said, "Stay with me. I love you. I love you, so love me."

He said, "Past get lost! I want something new."

She said, "I love you, I love you. I want just you."

He said, "I love you, I love you. I've lost myself."

She said, "I'm sorry. It's over. But I still love you."

He said, "But I love you, so love me. I love you, just you."

She said, "I do love you."

He said, "And I love you..."

She said, "I hate you. What is love? What is love?!"

He said, "Don't go. I just want you. Please don't go. I only want us."

She said, "What is Love?!! I want to be free!"

He said, "I love you. Don't you love me?"

She said, "I'll love you, tomorrow."

Falling in Love.
Is to be Ready to Risk Your Life.
...
It's, "Are you Ready?"
It's, "Can you Handle?"

You keep wondering if they're Worth IT?
Are they?

Falling in Love.
Is to give Everything up.
Is to Lose Yourself.

Even when you're Thrown Away by the One you Love.
Even when you've become Trash in their Eyes.
Nuisance. Waste of Time. Lost Cause. Exhausting. Eyesore.

Even when you've been Left Behind.
Even when they Stop loving you.
Even when you feel like Hating them.

It's your Everything now.

People keep telling me to "get over it quickly" and "forget about that asshole"...

It's really not that simple or easy.. If it were just as simple as saying that I want to forget, and that I will from saying it, then I definitely would...

Today one of my friends (not very close, but very nice and gives good/realistic advice) said that it will only go away by time. That's it I think. Time.

But how much? When I blog 1 month from now, 6 months from now, 1 year.... will by then I have gotten over this break-up? Will by thien I have forgotten about Noah? I hope so...

No matter what anyone says, I cannot rush this. So please stop -- it only reminds me more each time how much I'm still attached and in love.

Those are things I cannot really stop. I can lie to myself, I can hide things from myself, I could scream, curse, cry, pretend, etc.. but what's there and what I feel will still exist.

I do want to forget.. SO SO BADLY.
I hate myself for this because I know that he cares zero for all that's happened. He doesn't give a shit and just wants to get rid of me and unburden himself. Being with me is mendoi, troublesome, eyesore, tiresome, waste of time. I know this and am not exaggerating.. Which is why I become so disgusted with myself that I can still care for him and love him.. and dare I say it?... still wish even just a little bit to go back to what we were a long time ago.. Is it bad? Wrong? Disgusting?

My friend mentioned [Jun] said that I should find closure.. Ask Noah to tell me really why he broke up, whatever the reason may be. Cause the text message he sent me saying that he's getting old fast and wants to get many things done by 30, and can't do those things if he has a girlfriend .. is really just a bunch of BULL FUCKING SHIT. Let's not sugar-coat anything here. I'm so sick of him doing that.. Lies after lies after lies.. If he can hurt me so much already, why can't he just tell me the fucking truth?!! So.. I'm going to take Jun's advice and attempt at finding out the truth.

Yes, I am a person who is obsessed (practically) with the truth. I hate liars, cheaters, fakers. Disgusts me and ticks me off to a major degree.

So.. that's one of my goals to get done before the end of this month.. which is when I need to move.. Cause we're both going to move to separate places.. Of course I know nothing of his plans because he never talks about anything with me.

(REALLY, is he THAT sick of me? Does he HATE me that much? ...He can't even communicate these basic things such as breaking up or moving on to another plan in life and stuff... Seriously.. could NOT wait till I got home to tell me he wanted to break up.. no in a fucking text message while I'm at work, ruining my entire day..  I can't believe him.. I have so many questions or I will only keep ridiculing this.)

It's okay...I guess. There's no real need for that anymore since I've been so crudely and intently thrown away like trash. That's how it is. All that's left is to ask that question, get closure, hurry and find a place to move to before April 30, somehow survive, maybe find another job, get a driver's license even later since Noah never taught me how to drive, get over all this.

START.